The Jewel in the Jungle

The Jewel in the Jungle

I never had a sister. I often wished for one: an older sister, one that would have saved me from both the boredom of aloof babysitters and terror of tickle-fighting sitters. I often imagined that we would be best friends: that she would defend me in all my pathetic geekiness from the ridicule of her peers, and that I would defend her honor against the advancing army of potential suitors.

And then sometimes I wished for a younger sister, as it is a well-known fact that younger sisters (when they are not being purposefully obnoxious) are the sweetest and loveliest creatures known to man. They are also, however, in even greater need of protection from the advances of love-sick boys than older sisters. The reason for this, of course, is that an older brother thinks all suitors unsuitable whereas a younger brother is more apt to admire his sister’s favorite suitor for his suit. Thus, I think it best to approach such matters of the dramatic and laborious trek toward marriage as an older brother.

A young woman’s search for a husband is much like being lost in a jungle. Puberty has wrecked her plane in the Amazon, and she must spend years in danger from snakes, panthers, and scantily clad natives. Unlike the young man in search of a wife (who is also lost in the jungle and in danger from snakes, panthers, and scantily clad natives) she cannot hack her way through the underbrush, clearing a trail to her future love with her machete. She must suffer the excitement of being found.

It is far more exciting to be found than to do the finding. Anyone who has played hide-and-seek knows this (of course, in hide-and-seek one tries not to be found, but it is more fun to be found and run away than to find and give chase). A deeper analogy will serve to make this clearer. Marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church. Although it often appears that we find Christ, it was really He who had been pursuing us. How would the joys of Christianity be improved if we learned that we had not been pursued? That God had been playing hide-and-seek and had been hiding in hopes that we would find Him? Half of the fun is in the pain of suspense and the shock of surprise.

Since it is still valid to say that we have found Christ, even though it is really He who has found us, it is valid to consider the young woman as finding her husband. And in practice, the young man may not know how to pursue her and may have the uncanny feeling that she has found him. But I do not intend to discuss how the young man must pursue his future bride, but rather intend to discuss the matter from her side.

And so, we return to where I began. If I had a younger sister, there are a number of things that I would tell her and a number of observations I would make. These are some of the things I might say:

Dear sister,

Marriage, being a covenant between two people, contains four perspectives of which you should be aware. What I mean is this: all people are sinners, and a marriage is a joining of a man-sinner and a woman-sinner. Furthermore, being human, we are all finite and confined to experiencing the world through our own senses--through our own point of view.

The first perspective is your view of yourself, and when this view is accurate, it leads to true humility. Humility requires us to correctly evaluate not just our failings, but also our successes and gifts. God has given us gifts, and to underplay or devalue what God has given us is extremely rude. “That’s a beautiful dress!” someone tells you. “Nah,” you say, “my parents bought it for me. It’s a piece of junk.” But such introspection is worthless if it doesn’t drive you mad with joy and sorrow: joy at the goodness and mercy of God manifest in you, and sorrow at your sins.

The second perspective is your view of your (future) husband. He will not be perfect; you should not expect him to be. You should, however, expect him to be an earnest Christian. You should also expect him to be tolerable. Marriage is a great war of tolerance that only ends with the death of either spouse. An earnest Christian will do his best to be tolerable--even lovable. But one can only expect so much accommodation. I’m sure you don’t expect to become an entirely different person after you marry (although you might), so don’t expect him to mold himself to your wishes either. What this means is that (in being chosen) you should choose wisely.

First, as I have said, you must choose an earnest and tolerable Christian. Because most divorces are made over money, you should also see that he is wise with his money: not a giddy spendthrift, nor a cantankerous miser, but cautious, controlled, yet generous. Furthermore, if he is not prepared to save and starve that you may spend and eat, he is not prepared to provide.

Many a marriage has been made miserable by mother-in-laws. Father-in-laws, too. I once met a man whose sister was kidnapped at gunpoint by her brother-in-law, who, being the epitome of a gentleman, then proceeded to shoot holes through her family’s vehicles. Thus, remember that you will marry into a family. A marriage unites two families through a third: it is not an isolated union. Marriages have crumbled because the couple failed to see marriage as a uniting force, and saw it instead as a dividing one. Some persons seem to have the idea that a pastor’s (or priest’s) role in a wedding ceremony is much like that of an auto-mechanic in a junkyard. Just as the mechanic may take a door and hood off this car and salvage brake discs out of that car and put them all into a third car, so does the pastor confirm (before God) the union of a man from this family and a woman from that family--as if families were separated and unsoldered instead of joined. It must be shocking for them to discover that their marriage-mechanic had really taken two cars and welded them together to make a single car. A marriage is a fusion; don’t take that lightly.

I have often heard my mother say that the way a young woman treats her father, so will she treat her husband. If she respects and honors her father, she will respect and honor her husband. I am certain that this also applies in the opposite direction: how a young man treats his mother is how he will treat his wife. If he respects, honors, and is patient with his mother, he is bound to respect, honor, and be patient with his wife. Young men are often impetuous and proud, and mothers are not. Mothers also have a habit of advising their sons during such reckless moods. The type son who hears his mother with patience during his ill humors is the sort you should want.

Unfortunately, the state of American culture requires me to add a note about divorce. It is a well known--and too infrequently mourned--fact that over half of all marriages end in divorce. There are many fine young men and women whose parents are divorced. While I do not want to impute the sins of the parents to the children, children are always affected by the unity or disunity of their homes. Often, these early experiences will harmfully affect their marriages. But the psychology behind why children often repeat the sins of their parents is best left to the psychologists.

Another crucial point to consider is, well, the point. A rapier begins with a hilt, continues with the blade, and ends in a point, which is really the whole point of the sword. Likewise, marriage is concerned with happiness, love, and unity, but that is not its point. The point of a Christian marriage (with which it will stab the wicked world in its heart) is to advance Christ’s Kingdom--to Glorify God. Thus, the spiritual health of a marriage is of utmost importance, and this is measured by each spouse’s individual sanctification. Thus, the man you choose to wed must be not only a tolerable Christian, but also a mature and wise Christian. It is only when you and your husband are united in purpose--and that purpose being the will of God--that you will find the rest of the sword beneath you. In other words, in loving Christ above all else, you will find all else already in your pockets. Do you want a happy marriage? Seek Christ above all. It is only when both of you send your love upwards that you will find yourselves able to love each other. Rising love converges in God, and as you rise, you will find yourselves colliding into unity.

At last, there is one more note to make. Habits are either handy or horrible. I have a habit of always locking the doors of my car as I leave. This is very handy. I also have a habit of clicking my retractable pens when I’m thinking. This habit, if you are bothered by clicking pens, is annoying, but there are (and I have) far worse habits. When you marry, you marry a whole person. All persons have habits and mannerisms: some are handy and some are horrible. And marriage is the great magnifier. Not only are character flaws magnified in marriage, but so are habits and manners. For the sake of your sanity (and his) consider well the habits and manners of your future husband. If you are extraordinarily neat, beware of marrying a pig. If you are extraordinarily messy, be aware that you will send an organized fiancé's brain into near fatal shock.

I mentioned four perspectives in marriage and have only mentioned two. The other two are his and they run parallel to yours. As you consider the kind of man you ought to marry, do not forget to be the kind of woman he needs. You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. If you want to marry well, become the kind of woman your future husband ought to marry. Clearly, there are some things which are impossible to change, such as the past, but as no one is perfect, you will never run out of ways to improve: bad habits to break, good habits to acquire; foolishness to unlearn, wisdom to find; hurtful thoughts to silence, encouragements to speak.

As you wander through your jungle, doing your best to avoid its hazards, turning down dates with crocodiles and movies with monkeys, you may begin to find yourself discouraged. But take heart when you flee from the naked pigmy fellows, and rejoice despite your inevitable shrieks when you discover a snake. Think of what a plight you would be in if you hadn’t the discernment to recognize the snake, or if you had mistaken an ill clad forest-man for your long awaited hero. Marriage is more difficult to wait for than Christmas morning, and it’s just as much work to wait as it is to hack one’s way through the Amazon with a machete. But your waiting needn’t be idle, and your struggles needn’t be purposeless. Prepare yourself and seek after Christ, and His will will have its way in His time. To paraphrase Mr. Lewis, God is not often early, but He is never late.