In Defense of Beards

I have a beard. More specifically, I have something like a Van Dyke. At any rate, it's a dream come true. Literally. I used to have dreams in which I would wake up with a beard and weep with happiness. Then I would actually wake up and mourn my naked face. At any rate, I'm writing this piece as a defense of my beard. My grandmother hates it, my mom wasn't a huge fan when I came home from England with it, and most of the young women I know detest facial hair.

 I suspect that most women detest facial hair for two reasons: 1) they're jealous and 2) they don't understand it. It's really simple, ladies. Facial hair is to Man what makeup is to Woman. Now, I know what you women are thinking about reason 1: "Jealous? Me? Duh!" This jealousy manifests itself in all sorts of depilatory activities: shaving your legs, your armpits, etc. In psychology this is called 'Beard Repression.' What a lot of people don't know is that Freud's primary interest was in the psychological effects of facial hair. In fact, he considered this his life's work. Unfortunately, we remember him only for his work on sexuality and the psyche, etc.

 Don't get me wrong, although shaving legs and armpits is an expression of Beard Repression, I'm not advocating that women stop these habits. They are healthy habits that help them cope with their inability to grow beards. Besides, a beard is only a beard on a face. Armpit and leg beards don't count. Furthermore, women don't realize that among men, the beard is a symbol of manhood. And, as we all know (in a perfect world) the higher the manhood meter, the sexier a man is. For instance, Robert E. Lee? Sexy Beast. Richard Simmons? Crazy Freak.

Men, unlike women, don't approach their friends and say, "Omg, you look sooo cute!" Men don't base their opinions on hair, makeup, dress, shoes, color coordination, etc. No. Men judge on beard. A man approaches his comrades with compliments such as, "You have a beard" or "I think you have coffee in your mustache" etc. The bigger the beard, the more respected a man is among his fellows.

What has been happening is that intolerant women are forcing their own beard repression onto men. The result of this is that a man feels obligated to relinquish his beard, thus humiliating himself before his friends and destroying his self-image as a man. The ancient Greeks and Romans called a beardless man a 'woman faced' man.

 Instead of trying to become women, men ought to be men. Heterosexuality is traditional because it works, and it works because men and women are different and complimentary. Therefore, I propose that women be lady-like and that men be  manly. Let's reestablish the poles. For this reason, I free my follicles. I mold my character to true manhood and let my face proclaim my convictions.

So ladies, I know you're jealous, but don't feel bad. We men prefer you without beards. Trust me.